poems2

3am
awake again
can’t turn the thoughts off
tossing and turning
wanting to sleep
desperately trying
yet continuing to stare
enveloped in blackness
wondering, will morning really come?

4am
must get up soon
night nearly gone
suddenly sleepy
is it really worth it
body heavy with fatigue
giving in to exhaustion
numbness
ready to sleep forever.

5am
the wretched jarring sound
a traumatic awakening
even more exhausted than before
should not have slept at all
response is delayed
body struggles to respond
the promise of future sleep
the only motivation
daylight, an expansive torture.

Openness,
a losing battle
desperately wanting a connection
but held back
a war rages inside
frustrated and angry
trying to win
yet silently allowing defeat
Shyness,
always victorious

You caught my eyes for just a moment
And there you saw my world of thoughts

They danced on the surface of my pleading eyes
Silent yet alive and longing for freedom

But I glanced away, hiding them again
Both of us quietly wondering, will I ever share?

The sunshine on my cheeks
Warms through to my soul.
All is brighter on days like these.
Anxiety and sadness are merely memories.
Life is hopeful and beautiful.
No confusion.
No uncertainty.
Instead full of clarity and peace.
I am energized by the light.
Ready to tackle any obstacle.
If only I could remember on cold gray days
This feeling that the sun inspires.

haunting flashes
pictures of memories
terrifying glimpses
guilt and fear
a flush of shame
lies screaming
reminders of mistakes
stomach tightening
tremors of anxiety
panic of discovery
eyes unable to close
avoiding the chaos inside
the mind more dangerous than any reality
sleep
an impossible escape

Shadows dancing on the ground
Light playing with the flowers
Sadness in the old man’s eyes
Lovers sitting on the bench
Smiles of laughing children

They all call to me,
Begging me to catch them
In pencil, paints or film it matters not
Only the feeling and emotion is important
Capturing the moments

Yet I continue walking
Regretting that I let them pass
I long to grab each one
Make a second last an eternity
Transform life into timeless beauty
But I only watch them disappear
My moments escaping from me
Leaving only hazy memories and faded inspiration

empty shell of a body
read to shatter and crumple
mind struggling to maintain coherency and logic
memory slurred and fragmented
scattered and unable to concentrate
any second this armor could collapse
already it is cracking

embracing the darkness
slows the insanity of time
tomorrow no longer exists
trapped in dangerous thoughts
yet free from life’s realities
all rules ignored and expectations forgotten
the moment seemingly endless
until the memory of hope finds a crack to sneak in
and the torture of living begins again