arm's length... (part 2) you have returned to me. i can feel your suffocatioin... and cannot escape your chains. you wrap me up in your distortions... and steal away my breath. your numbness is setting in... to my mind... to my skin... to my soul. a flash of light... and you're there... before I can choose. i guess i wasn't watching... immersed in finally feeling joy... feeling healthy... setting myself free. i guess i wasn't listening... to the signs of your return. i feel tricked... i feel betrayed... where the hell are you hiding...? inside of me...? just a-l-w-a-y-s...? never really leaving...? just pretending...? i no longer have patience... not for this length of time... i am tired... i am hurting. you are my darkness... and i don't know how to escape you! the thickness of you... i can hardly move my legs to walk today... my arms to hug. i am completely fatigued and sedated by you... you are a hell trapped inside of me... and i can't recall a choice. i was doing so well... i don't understand... why you always return... to tell me i am fat... to tell me i am worthless... to tell me not to eat... that starvation will free me... and pain is all i deserve. so i cannot promise that i can keep fighting... "you..." this terrible darkness... this relentless disease. i am so frightened tonight... and yet too tired to worry. you are my worst enemy... you are my only enemy... and somehow you still remain... my most passionate love... and for this... i still hold you... at arm's length. polly wray* 9/27/05