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and far more dangerous species. They kill the freaks and make them do irrational things."
-Lauri Fox from My Sister From The Black Lagoon
I presented to these students on Friday, October 21st 2005 and in opening up the room for Q/A time, I encouraged
students to write down questions that they had to be shared on my website. Since then I have continued to add questions
that I am asked at other presentations. Each question is answered as honestly as possible.
Most recent question added: April 10, 2006
************************************************************************************
I would like to state that I am neither a medical professional nor a therapist, nor do I have a
degree in pyschology or any other training in mental health.
My answers are purely from my experiences and therefore can only be considered an
individual's opinion.
************************************************************************************
I am not married yet nor do I have kids. But I have 2 dogs and they think they are my kids.
* How old are you?
Okay, here is the math teacher in me coming out...I was born in 1976. You tell me, how old am I?
This way you get to think a little and I won't have to come back to update this question... :)
* What mental illness do you have?
I have been diagnosed with long term severe depression, anorexia nervosa, an anxiety disorder and
borderline personality disorder. The prominent disorder is the depression; the others developed as
ways to cope with it.
* What type of eating disorder did you have?
I am anorexic. It is more in control than it used to be and I am continuing to recover. I expect that
it will be something that I will always deal with on some level, even long after I am "recovered".
* Why were you depressed? Did something bad happen to you? I
I don't think it is as simple as "something bad" happened to me. Nor do I think I just have a
chemical imbalance in my brain. The way I have come to understand it is that depression is more
complicated than just an event in life or brain chemicals. Some people are born with a genetic
predisposition to depression. This means that they may have a chemical sensitivity in their brain
but they may or may not suffer from depression. But when you add life and all of it's challenges,
the combination of being susesptible to a brain disorder and a traumatic event or other
environmental factors, can affect a person both psycholocially and physically, thus triggering
depression. Could I list things that happened to me that were less than ideal? Sure. We all could.
Life is messy. We ALL have stories of pain and hurt somewhere in our history. People often try to
categorize events, describing some as "challenging and character building" while others get the
label of "traumatic". But in my opinion, their scale is relative, for how can we compare emotional
experiences? I don't believe that anyone's suffering is greater or more justified than anyone else's.
Could the same things in my life have happened to someone else but they would not suffer from
depression? Of course. Could I have had your life and still be depressed? Yes. Ultimately, I
believe that the reason I suffer from despression is because I internalized my emotions during
challenging times in my life and that triggered a part of my brain that was genetically sensitive.
Now I must both deal with the emotional baggage of my life and the chemical imbalance of my
brain. A unique blend of biography and biology.
* Is being depressed always considered a mental illness?
I would have to say that I don't actually know the answer to this question...I think it may depend on
who you ask. In my own opinion, I would say that yes, it is always a mental illness. If you have
something like cancer or diabetes, you have a physical illness because affects your body physically.
Depression, whether you believe it is a chemical imbalance or the result of trauma or some of both,
primarily affects your body emotionally and mentally. Some people who are fighting against
stigmas say that we should not use the term "mental illness" and should replace it with more
accurate and socially aware language such as "brain disorders." Personally, I am not offended by
"mental illness" because it describes what I am going through. My arms and legs work well, my
heart and lungs are healthy, I can see and hear and eat whatever I like. My handicap is much more
invisible. I have a mental illness. It hides in my mind, infecting my thoughts and feelings, but can
become dehabilitating just like a physcial illness if I fail to take care of myself properly. I think
where we need to be careful is in connecting the term "mental illness" to the term "insane." Being
depressed does not necessarily mean one has lost his or her sanity.
* So, depression is in your head?
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this question...if you mean it is an illness that affects your
mind, then yes, depression is physically in your "head". But if you mean that it's a pretend thing
that people make up, then no, depression is certainly not "in your head". True depression is not
something that people can fake just for attention. Nor does suffering from depression make
someone "crazy" or "nuts". It is a very real illness that can dramatically affect a person's life.
* Can you have depression without knowing it?
Yes and no. Deep down somewhere you know something is wrong. You may not know what it is or
what to call it, but you can feel it inside of you. You may think you are the only one feeling what
you do or having the thoughts that you have. You may wonder why you're not "happy" like
everyone else. You may be tired all of the time or uninterested in much of anything. You may have
all of the symptoms of depression but be in denial of it. You may not even want to see it...it may be
too hard for you to look at and accept. But if you are finding that you are always making excuses
for your feelings and never feeling good about life, chances are there is a reason and a name once
you are willing to acknowledge it.
* When did you realize you had a problem? What happened?
I realized I had a problem so many times that it's hard to tell when was the first. I think I always
sort of knew. I guess my first memory would be when I was a little girl...maybe 6 or 7. I banged
rocks on my knees to give myself cuts and bruises. I don't really know what made me start to do it,
but I knew it somehow made me feel better. However, when people noticed, I just shrugged and
said I must have fallen at recess. Inside I felt miserable and guilty because I knew I had done
something that I wasn't supposed to do and then lied about it. It wasn't until much later (high
school and college) that I started to admit to myself that I might have a problem. I would play this
game in my head, convincing myself that I was "fine" even when I knew I wasn't. I'd tell myself
that I wasn't sick, that I was only pretending. I would yell at myself in my head, silently telling
myself that I was pathetic and crazy for feeling what I did. I would try to force myself to "snap out
of it" and when that wouldn't work, I would punish myself with one of my unhealthy coping
behaviors. And part of me would watch myself and think, "doing stuff like this isn't normal...I'm a
freak." And of course that just led me down a darker and more self-desctructive path.
Periodically I would acknowledge the problem and would reach out for help. But then I would pull
back away, afraid of what people would think if they knew the "real me" and afraid of who I was
without my depression. I can still fall into that pattern sometimes.
* What was your darkest moment?
My darkest moment was a time of feeling absolutely misunderstood and therefore completely alone.
And even though I knew there were people who cared about me, I only felt guilt for hurting them
with my sickness. I was convinced that everyone would be better off without me. I was ashamed
of myself and my feelings and certain that I was a waste of human life. I had heard someone say
that committing suicide was selfish and that people who did it were so self-absorbed that they could
think of no one but themselves. That of course made me feel even worse...I felt desperate,
hopeless, and trapped. I believed I was a terrible, evil human being, not worthy of love and
doomed to a tortured existence. Living was my punishment...I didn't even deserve death, though I
wanted it desperately.
* How did you cope with your illness?
I used a variety of coping mechanisms. Some of them were quite unhealthy, such as isolating
myself, hiding my struggles, and physical self-harm. But others were healthy behaviors such as
writing, drawing, taking long hot showers, curling up for a nap, and keeping myself busy with
projects and volunteer work. But even healthy behaviors can become unhealthy when used to
replace normal life functioning. Taking naps all day or throwing myself into work to avoid dealing
with life are examples of how I used "healthy" behaviors in extreme and unhealthy ways. Now I
try to primarily use healthy behaviors in healthy moderation, which includes going to therapy and
taking my medication.
* What did you do to hurt yourself?
My unhealthy behaviors included starvation, isolation, negative self-talk, obsessiveness, under and
over medication, cutting, burning, and sleep deprivation. Though not all obvious or physical, they
were all very hurtful to me. While in some ways they helped me to cope with my life and emotions,
none of them provided me with any sort of long term relief. They actually made me more sick as
time went on .
* What made you start doing the things you did?
Because I was struggling emotionally, I searched for a way to feel better. I was afraid to ask for
help and thought I could handle it on my own. I found different behaviors that seemed to aleviate
some of my pain, even if only temporarily.
* What's happened to you when you've been depressed? What did you do about it?
Every day was a struggle for me before I started getting help for my depression. Since I have faced
the problem, life has many more ups than it used to before. Saying that I needed to go the hospital
was probably the scariest and yet bravest things I've ever done. I knew I wasn't safe, I knew I
needed help, but I didn't know how to get it. Allowing medical professionals to help me regain
control of my life was a very important step for me to take. Then I had to go back to my life and
try to live in it differently with the new tools I had learned. Choosing to live differently has been
the hardest part of my recovery. It is this process that I continue to work on today.
* Did you ever try to commit suicide? Why did you want to die?
Yes, although I will add that I thought about it a lot more than I actually tried it. The how is
irrelevant so please don't ask me...what is important is that I felt so lost and desperate at points in
my life that I truly believed that death was my only alternative. I was so overwhelmed by my
feelings in those moments that I could not see past them. I was convinced that the only way to deal
with these intense feelings was to put an end to them forever. I have learned however, that feelings
do pass and the moment will end on it's own if you are strong enough to fight through it. Feelings
are not permanent. The only thing that is permanent is death. It is a choice that we cannot undo
once we make it. Understanding that now, I am grateful that though I have made some unhealthy
choices in my life, I never made that permanent decision.
* When you were in depression, did you ever do any drugs?
No, I never did any drugs. However, I did have unhealthy behaviors such as cutting, starvation,
and sleep deprivation. In many ways they offered me the same feeling of "numbness" and
"comfort" that I have heard people say they got from drugs and alcohol. In fact I have read that
some of them actually do release chemicals in your brain that make you feel "good." But like
drugs, they only provided temporary relief and ultimately ended up hurting me more in the long run.
* Did you see cutting as an addiction?
An addiction is any habit that you do compulsively. There are all kinds of addictions...alcohol,
drugs, exercise, caffiene, binging/purging/not eating, gambling, and on and on. Innocent behaviors
become addictions when you can't stop doing them, even though they are affecting your life in a
negative way. For me, all of my unhealthy behaviors have been unhealthy addictions. It is not
easy to break free of any addiction and though I would like to say I woke up one morning and was
free of mine, it was and is a constant struggle not to give in to them. Being gentle with myself
when I slip, forgiving myself, and not giving up hope have all been helpful tools for me in this
journey of recovery.
* When did you start cutting? When did you stop?
The cutting behavior started when I was a little girl but stopped by the time we started changing
for gym class in middle school because it became too hard to hide. The behavior resurfaced in my
late 20's when my depression really began to spiral out of control. I do not cut anymore, although I
will admit that sometimes the idea of it hovers close to me on my darker days.
* Did it hurt when you cut yourself?
Sometimes. But other times I couldn't feel it at all.
* If my friend starts cutting how can I convince her to stop?
You can't. It is her choice to cut or not to cut and you have no control over that choice. Nor is it
your job to convince her that she should. What you can do is offer her support. Try asking her
WHY she cuts. See if she will talk about what makes her want to cut. Ask her to make a list of
pros and cons for cutting. Suggest that she try talking to someone about it (like a teacher,
guidance counselor, therapist, minister, rabbi, neighbor, whatever...) Tell her that you are
concerned. Tell her about how you are feeling. And if it is a secret you don't want to carry for her,
be honest. Let her know that it's too big for you and that you need help dealing with it. And then
YOU talk to someone about it. Yes, she may get mad at you. She may even tell you that she hates
you. But if you have already tried talking to her, then deep down she knows you really care and
that you are not just "tattling" on her. However, do not blame yourself if her behavior does not
change. She may not be ready to deal with her feelings yet. Or she may not be able to admit that
her behaviors are unhealthy. This is no reflection on you. She is in control of her, not you. It is
neither your fault nor your responsibility.
* How did you end up to get yourself help?
I said, "I need help." The first person I told was my father. Then my best friend. My doctor helped
me find a therapist. And after that it has been a whirlwind of change. It is a constant process, full
of ups and downs, steps forward and steps backwards. But if I look at the long term effects, I can
see that I am doing much better than I was before. I imagine my recovery to look like this...a range
of valleys and peaks...(see my "picture" of the recovery journey)...but ultimately climbing upward
despite the slips down. Being honest with others and especially with myself about my recovery,
though extremely difficult at times, has probably been what has helped me the most.
* What made you see that you could get better?
I'm not sure that I could actually see that I could get better. It was more that I couldn't be sick any
more. Basically, I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to stop hurting those I
love. I didn't want my life to be a burden anymore. It was "try to get better" or "just give up
completely" and deep down, I didn't really want to die. So I started on the journey of recovery,
which is easier on some days than others.
* When did you start drawing? How did you get into it?
I've always been a someone who doodles and draws. Every now and again I would do a piece that
somehow reflected my struggles, even if it wasn't in an obvious way. When I was in high school at
the Academy, I did a landscape drawing of the view from the art room. At that point in my life my
artwork was always very controlled and precise, just like my emotional mask. But this one
drawing was very different from my other work. It was loose and emotional. I remember the day
when I did it, I was very upset and falling apart inside, desperate for help and trying my hardest to
hold myself together. Those feelings came out in my drawing. For a long time, though others
loved that drawing (my mom even framed it!), I hated it because I felt so exposed by it. With time,
I grew very sentimental about that piece because it reflected an emotion that I had never expressed
in any other way. It wasn't until much later in my life that I started to intentionally draw to express
myself. The drawings done for my book and traveling art show were started in May of 2004 while I
was in the hospital. I had always been a journaler but I had gotten to a point where I had no more
words to describe my feelings. I saw another patient drawing in a notebook and thought, "I've
always liked to draw...maybe I should try it now..." Someone brought me a journal without lines
and I had someone pick up some color pencils at the pharmacy and that afternoon I created the
first 5 drawings of my book. I did about 2/3's of my book within the next few weeks, the images
and words flowing out of me with a certain urgency and excitement. I had finally found a way to
express myself that was healthy and understandable to those around me.
* Did art help you relieve your pain?
Yes, sometimes. And when it didn't relieve it, it gave me a way to express it to others. Even now
when I'm struggling to explain my feelings, I still pull out my drawings and show people exactly
what I'm going through in that moment. Sometimes people read my book or walk through my
show and assume that I'm at the end and beyond in terms of recovery. The truth is that my
emotions are much more fluid than the linear path of my artwork. I float along the path of
emotions, sometimes falling into the darker places, other times standing strong with hope and
feelings of recovery. But using art to articluate the emotions that are going on in my head does
help to relieve some of the pain, since part of my struggle was not being able to communicate my
feelings in a way that others could understand. I also realized how writing in a journal for so many
years had actually been hurtful to me rather than helpful...I had never actually shared a word that I
had written. I see now that it did me no good to express my feelings to a book. I needed to
communicate with other people and art helped me to do this. And now when I write, I try to share
my words, either with close friends and family or with my therapist. It gives my writing a new
meaning and importance, just like my artwork.
* Were you afraid or ashamed when you cried?
Yes. Crying can make you feel vulnerable and that is scary. Our society often tells us that we
should be strong and that crying makes us weak. I still don't like to cry and probably fight it off
more than I should. I always feel better after I do though, and have to remind myself that crying
does not make me weak or pathetic. On the contrary, it can be an empowering force because it
both releases trapped emotions and expresses my feelings in a safe way.
* Did you ever feel ashamed about your illness?
Yes. Other people often subtly encourage us to keep such things in secrecy. I firmly believe that
most secrets only create shame. Then you struggle not only with the problem itself but also with
the burden of the secret. I decided that I wan't going to be silent anymore. Part of that was
because I couldn't recover properly carrying my illness as a secret full of shame and
embarrassment. It was only making me sicker. But I also am not silent in an effort to reduce the
stigma surrounding such illnesses. The more people speak out about their illnesses, the less shame
is attached because they are no longer secrets. I want people to hear my story to both raise
awareness and to help people who are carrying secrets realize that they are not the only ones.
* Did you ever feel different from everyone else?
Almost always. It's part of what made me worse...I felt different from everyone else but I
desperately tried to make everyone think I wasn't different. Then I started wondering who I really
was and if I was really only living a lie. Again the cyclical curse of secrets.
* Did anyone ever make fun of you or exclude you?
Before I was diagnosed, yes. When I was in 8th grade, like you are now, it felt like I was always
being made fun of or excluded. As I got older, I found that people weren't as cruel as they had
been when they were kids and teenagers. Looking back on college I realize that often when I was
feeling excluded, half of it was my own withdrawal and isolation, habits I had developed to protect
myself from the teasing and torture of my youth. Since coming out about my illness, I have found
that most people want to be supportive and helpful, even if they do not know how to do so
effectively. I do still encounter people who are hurtful regarding my illness. Unfortunately there
are bigots, racists, homophobics and other intolerants in the world. The key is to remember they
are the ones in the wrong because hurting someone is never justified. More likely, when they are
being hurtful they either do not understand and are acting out of fear or they are reacting to their
own issues and insecurities. Sometimes though, remembering this and not allowing it to hurt is
easier said than done.
* How did the kids at school or your job react towards you?
Growing up, I often felt outcasted and "uncool". Kids teased me and I accepted their words as
truth. Socially, I coped by withdrawing and isolating. This sometimes gave others the impression
that I was snobby and self-rightous. As I got older, this image often followed me as did being
extremely shy. I fit the description of being shy but inside I was longing to connect with others.
When I first started getting help, everyone at the school where I was teaching was very supportive
of me. Though some people kept their distance, no one was hurtful to me. On the other hand, I
was very ashamed of the whole thing and continued to try to keep it secret. Over time, however, I
stopped lowering my voice when I talked about it. I started to trust people more and didn't make
up excuses for my health, behaviors, hospitalizations or therapy appointments. Now it is just a
part of me. It's not the first thing I bring up when I meet someone but it's also not a secret that I
hide. If I'm asked, I'll be honest. If people don't want to hear or accept the truth, then that is their
issue, not mine. It doesn't mean that others can't sometimes hurt me with their words, but
ultimately I know that if they have a negative reaction towards me, I need to try to let it slide off of
me. The hurtful words of others are actually a reflection on them, not me. Besides, I know that my
illness is not something that defines all of me, even if they don't want to see that. However, I rarely
encounter this type of person and the the way I get treated most of the time is what is expected for
a "normal" person (whatever that means).
* Why were you in the hospital? How long were you there?
I was in the hospital because I wasn't safe. My life felt out of control and I was coping with
behaviors that were hurtful and potentially life-threatening. I needed to go to a place where I
could receive intensive therapy and observation, until I was safe. I was hospitalized more than
once. My shortest stay was 4 days, my longest was two and a half weeks, followed by a partial
hospitalization (day program) for 2 more weeks.
* How do you know if you do express yourself to get help that people will actually care
and not ignore you!?
You don't and I can't promise you that everyone will care. But I will tell you that most people do
care. If you are truly wanting help then you have to really consider who you are going to open up
to. Expressing yourself to your friend who you know tends to be a back-stabber is probably not the
wisest choice. Talking to a random person at a party will probably not invite a lot of help either.
Try to find someone who you think you could trust, either because they have been there for you
before or because you know other people trust them. This could be someone who is typically
suggested, like your parents, your school's counselor, your teacher or your pastor. But it might be
someone a little less obvious, like your neighbor, your primary care doctor, your librarian, or your
best friend's mom. If you confide in someone and after listening to you, they suggest you talk to
someone else, don't mistake this for not caring or ignoring you. Most likely they care so much
about you that they want to get you the help you need. They may be scared or overwhelmed and
not sure how to help you. Maybe ask them if they will go with you to talk to their suggested
person.
* Was it hard for you to open up to a therapist?
Yes. And it still is sometimes. But really it's only hard to open up to a therapist when it's hard to
admit things to myself. Over the years, I have developed the ability to talk about facts without
looking at my feelings. If I leave it out in therapy, then maybe it isn't true and maybe I don't have
to face it. I have learned however, that the only person who I hurt by lying or holding back is
myself. So when I started seeing my current therapist, I immdeiately told her how I sometimes
convince myself that I'm "fine" so that I won't have to talk about things. Now she calls me on it
when I do it, and though I get mad and hate it when she does, I'm grateful in the long run because
it is helping me to be healthier. Talking to a therapist is not like talking to a wall. You have to
establish a relationship that works for both of you...and find a person who you can trust. Not every
therapist will be right for you, and though it's easy to give up after a bad experience (trust me, I've
done it many times!), if you keep looking, you'll find a person who can offer you the help you need.
* How can you tell if you're mentally ill?
Honestly, I don't know. But if you feel different from everyone, you wonder if you want to live
anymore, you hurt yourself physically in some way, you have trouble functionning in your daily life
or anything on this website describes how you often feel, then you might want to try talking to
someone about it.
* What is actually going on in your brain?
I have no idea!! But if I ever find out, I'll be sure to let you know! Seriously though, I can't really
answer that question. No one can yet. But that is why there is so much brain research going on
right now. Hopefully someday they will find a way to better understand mental illnesses from a
scientific and chemical standpoint so that they can be treated more effectively. In the meantime, I
have to recognize that I have a disorder and because of my intense emotions, do not always see
reality accurately.
* How did you feel afterwards, and after "treatment"?
Afterwards? I don't know that I'll ever get to the "afterwards" part. Recovery to me is a life-long
process. But I can tell you how I felt after first asking for help. Scared, relieved, angry, skeptical,
ashamed, tired, hopeful, hopeless. It was a very confusing time. What I didn't expect was that it
would become a cycle of emotions that I revisited many times. "Treatment" became very circular
and pointless to me. I felt like I was always starting over, ploddling along, and then giving up, only
to start the whole process over again. It took me a long time to realize that my life was actually
changing and that though I still had lows, they weren't as low as they had been. This of course
brought up a whole news series of emotions as I didn't know who I was without my depression and
wanted to hold onto it like a security blanket. It's amazing how the illness can feed on itself in an
effort to resist recovery. A physical injury, like skinning your knee, will heal with time. A scar may
remain, but the pain will go away. A mental illness can be like a wound that never really heals. It
will seem to be healed, as if a scar has formed, but really recovery is much more complex than that.
Your mind is sensitive and vulnerable to being triggered to old pain. Wounds can reopen and
reinfect the mind. Once this happens, the mental illness proves that it was never "recovered", only
sleeping innocently, waiting to be awakened. Some people are able to be in control of their illness,
living their lives mostly free of it. But it is always there, waiting for the opening to escape if
allowed. That is why treatment and recovery is a process, a journey, and ultimately, a life-style
change. It is not as simple as a trip to the doctors, a bandaid or a medicine.
* How long did it take you to recover from your illness?
The first time I asked for help, I was a senior in high school. The second time I was a sophomore in
college. The third time I was 26. Now I ask for help on a much more frequent basis; monthly,
weekly, daily and on some days, even hourly. Sometimes I will start to think of "recovery" as a
destination where I will arrive one day even though I know it is actually an on-going process. On
hard days, I'll tell myself it's okay if I skip a meal or cut just once. It can be very hard to remember
that is only the voice of my illness trying to lure me back in. I play the logic game in my head,
trying to convince myself that I am "recovered", "better" or even just "fine". And then I have to
realize again that I have an illness, even if it appears to be dormant. I will not lie to you and say
that once you ask for help, it gets easy. Nor will I say that you can count the days of recovery. Life
is full of ups and downs, good days and bad. What I can tell you is that now when I go to bed, I
don't pray that I won't wake up. I'm not afraid that I'll purposely crash my car anymore. I now
actually get disappointed with myself when I realize that I've been neglecting my health and body.
And though being depressed can sometimes feel safe and comfortable, I have learned that life is
much more wonderful when I'm laughing and doing the things I love.
* What if you have your moments where you feel sick and you feel like everything is
going wrong, but everything is okay, but you feel it's wrong, what do you do?
Welcome to my world! Don't worry, you're not the only one who has had this struggle. It's a very
confusing feeling, isn't it? From your question, I expect you tend to think about everything
(probably too much) and try to logically explain away your feelings. My suggestion is try to
express your feelings...whether that is through art, writing, talking, music, whatever...and try to do
it without judgement. Remember that a feeling is never good or bad, it just is and when you have
it, you have it. But when thinking about how to express yourself, remember that it would probably
be helpful for you to be sharing it with someone. Expressing yourself to yourself will probably only
make your thoughts circle more and get you even more mixed up inside your head. Sharing your
thoughts, words, drawings, etc. with a therapist, school counselor, teacher, friend,..., might help
you to straighten out your mind and understand yourself better.
* I used to have spells and my eyes would roll back into my head and I'd do weird
things. Do you know anyone that's had spells before?
It sort of sounds like epilepsy to me...but I don't really know. Did you see a medical professional
about it? Does it still happen to you? My suggestion would be to ask a doctor or the nurse at
school...
* This year I feel something is wrong with me. I'm starting to read things that are not
there. Why?
Honestly I cannot answer you why. I would suggest that you bring this up with an adult, a
guidance counselor, teacher, parent... If you have a concern like this, it's a good idea to get help
with it right away before it becomes a bigger problem.
* What is bipolor disorder?
Simply put it is when an individual suffers from periods of mania (extreme highs) as well as from
peroids of depression (extreme lows). But the best way I can answer this question is by directing
you to more knowledgeable sources. For a more in depth definition, try visiting the NAMI
(National Alliance on Mental Illness) website: www.nami.org
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
* I have had an eating disorder for about 15 years now. I have had my ups and downs.
When I think I have got a handle on things, I slip back into my bad habit of binging and
purging. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm getting very tired.
Recovery can be exhausting. And unfortunately, there isn't a formula or a step-by-step procedure
that I can suggest that will "fix you". The best advice I can give is probably not what you were
hoping for. Be gentle with yourself. Try to think in terms of day to day. Every day say to yourself,
"I will not binge today. I will not purge today. If I really want to tomorrow, then I can." Giving
yourself the permission to make the choice tomorrow makes the task less daunting today. It is also
very self-empowering because it puts you, as opposed to your therapist, family, or friends, in
control of your recovery. And if you slip that day, forgive yourself. Admit that you slipped and
then stand back up. Start again. If you can't forgive yourself, then you start to build up guilt and
shame that will eventually destroy you. Remember that as humans, we can get complacent and
lazy...you may be good about not binging or purging for days, weeks, months, and then you may
notice that the desire to do it will start to creep in. You may even fall back into it again. But
realize that it is your choice to be in control. If you give up, you let your eating disorder be in
control of your life. Thank you for asking this question. It reminds me that I'm not the only one
who feels defeated by recovery sometimes. I am still working on being gentle with myself. Keep
going!
* I have been very sick for a very long time. Everyone keeps telling me to go see a
therapist but I've been to so many and they haven't made a difference. Why should I
bother if they aren't going to fix me? How do you find the right therapist?
Therapists can't fix you. You fix you. They can help you, support you, be the guide for you, but it is
YOU who has to do the work. It is you who has to want to make the necessary changes. Your
recovery is your choice and if you don't choose that path it doesn't matter what therapist you see,
you will never reach that destination. For me, the hardest part of therapy has been being honest,
both with others and myself. I have become very good at convincing people that I am "recovered"
and no longer in need of help. Then I pull away from my recovery and with time end up falling
apart again. I have realized that when I'm trying to convince others that I'm taking care of myself,
I'm really just trying to justify to myself that what I'm doing is okay, even though deep down I
know it isn't. I have been in therapy for more than half my life and seen more therapists than I can
count, but it hasn't made a difference for me until now. This therapist isn't helping me just because
I finally found the "right one". I think she is helping me because I'm finally ready to make different
choices and willing to establish a working, honest relationship with her. I started with this
therapist by clearly explaining how I sometimes manipulate and play games in therapy. I told her
how I want to be healthy but that I will probably fight with it along the way. I forwarned her that
at that moment I knew I probably needed years of therapy but that in a few months, I would
probably try to convince her that I was "all better". Now she can hold me accountable when I
start playing my old games. Not to sound cliche, but the only person I hurt when I'm not honest is
myself...and I've had enough of living like that. Only when you are ready to make the difference
will you find a therapist who will help you.
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* If you have a question you would like to ask me,
please email me and I will include it on this page.
I will give the most honest and educated answers that I can.
(though it might not always be what you want to hear...)
- amy :)
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